Internal “Nesting” During Pregnancy
So you’re about to become parents…
When we find out we are pregnant, the brain kick starts into motion thinking about all the things we need and want to do. Modern society places a lot of pressure on parents, particularly mothers, to begin planning and organizing various areas such as getting on daycare lists, building the nursery, deciding if you have a gender reveal, host a baby shower, and do you want maternity and/or newborn photos. A lot of people report struggling with these decisions as we are influenced so heavily by social media and the latest trends - even the brands we choose for baby clothing, toys, transportation, and feeding needs.
Many parents also report spending a significant amount of time researching and reading about areas such as birthing techniques, sleep training programs, feeding recommendations,
Then when it gets down to the wire, many parents report feeling overwhelmed with the urge to make everything perfect and prepared for baby’s arrival. Are the clothes washed? Are the hospital bags packed or supplies for a home birth ready? Has the house been cleaned? Do we have diapers and all the necessary feeding items? This is often referred to as “nesting.”
What is “Nesting”
The nesting instinct during pregnancy is thought to represent a natural and instinctive behaviour in humans, just like it is observed in many other species of animals. This behaviour is believed to have evolved as a way for pregnant women to prepare for the arrival of their baby and to create a safe and nurturing environment for them.
The nesting instinct can be seen as a manifestation of a mother's deep-seated biological and psychological drive to protect and care for her child. By preparing the home and surroundings, the mother-to-be is creating a space that is safe and comfortable for her newborn baby, and this can help to reduce the stress and anxiety that can come with the arrival of a new baby.
But what happens if we only focus on external tasks during pregnancy and neglect to address any potential internal issues that can impact our sense of comfort, preparedness, and well-being?
Shifting our view of nesting
The process of preparing for and welcoming a new baby into the world is an incredibly exciting and rewarding experience, but it can also be a time of stress, uncertainty, and overwhelm. As we focus on the external nesting behaviours during pregnancy, we often forget about the importance of internal preparation and protection. It is crucial to take care of our emotional and mental well-being during this time, as it can have a significant impact on our ability to parent effectively, feel connected, and present.
Ask yourself the following questions and make note of if you identify with any of them:
How well do I regulate my emotions when in periods of high stress, lack of control, and unpredictability? When I’m overwhelmed, overstimulated, over touched, how do I take care of myself?
Do I struggle with perfectionism and the need to be in control?
Do I have a plan to protect my sleep? How do I function when I have no sleep?
Do I have rigid expectations or beliefs around what my birthing, feeding, and sleeping journeys will look like? What about my postpartum body expectations?
How do my partner and I communicate? How do we resolve conflict? Are there any unresolved issues or resentments?
Am I a people pleaser, do I avoid conflict? Do I struggle with expressing my needs and emotions? Do I tend to project blame?
Do I struggle with implementing and maintaining boundaries?
Am I reflecting on how this transition will really impact areas of my life and identity? How can I maintain my identity and incorporate parenthood into it?
Have my partner and I spoken about distributing childcare and household responsibilities fairly to ease the mental load of parenthood? Is there a disagreement on societal gender roles and responsibilities?
Have I educated myself on perinatal mental health? Do I have a history of mental health concerns and/or trauma? Is there a family history of perinatal mental health? Is my partner aware they can also struggle with perinatal mental health and what does that look like?
Am I aware that along with motherhood, grief is also present. Grief around the previous lifestyle, spontaneity, expectations, flexibility, control, work, freedom, intimacy/connection with partner, connection with previous child(ren), postponing goals, and body image.
Am I familiar with the concept of reparenting? How were my childhood dynamics, how was my partners? How may being a parent trigger this? Am I breaking generational cycles?
Overview of Internal Nesting
Rather than focusing on superficial aspects during pregnancy like the perfect nursery or the cutest baby clothes (although I do not want to minimize the value and importance of these tasks!), parents greatly benefit from shifting their focus inward – what do I need to learn and/or change to effectively prepare for and protect my child?
One of the most important skills for new parents is communication. Learning how to effectively communicate with your partner, family members, and healthcare providers is essential for a smooth transition into parenthood. This includes learning how to express your needs and desires, as well as how to actively listen to others.
Another important skill is emotion regulation. Pregnancy and parenthood can be incredibly stressful and emotional times, and it's important to have healthy coping strategies in place to manage difficult emotions. This may include practicing mindfulness or seeking support from a therapist/support group.
Conflict resolution is another key skill for new parents. Learning how to effectively resolve conflicts with your partner or other family members can help prevent misunderstandings and promote healthy relationships.
Boundaries are also essential for new parents. Setting clear boundaries with family members and friends can help you protect your time and energy, as well as prevent feelings of overwhelm and burnout.
Finally, dealing with issues such as anxiety, depression, perfectionism, and people-pleasing are also significant skills for new parents. Learning how to recognize and manage these issues can help you be a more present and effective parent.
What’s next?
While external nesting behaviours are essential, it is equally important to focus on internal preparation and protection during the transition to parenthood. By taking the time to address any concerns related to our emotional and mental well-being, adjusting our expectations, setting boundaries, and educating ourselves on perinatal mental health, we can approach parenthood with more flexibility and cultivate the skills needed to navigate the stresses and challenges of parenthood.
If you believe that yourself and/or your parent would benefit from “internal nesting,” reach out to us. Our perinatal mental health therapist can guide you through this process.
